36 weeks, 2 days.

2 weeks, 5 days until my c-section...yay... :)

last week i tripped over the comforter (which was lying on the floor, most likely because i kicked it off the bed the night before), and landed right on my big old pregnant belly. john freaked out and hauled me to labor and delivery triage, where it is apparently standard practice to monitor pregnant ladies for 4 hours after such a fall, make sure baby hasn't been traumatized too much i suppose. i was a bit worried, even though he was moving around normally and everything....and everything was indeed fine. i got to lay in the world's most uncomfortable bed, but i also got to listen to my little guy's heartbeat the whole time, and watch my infrequent contractions make little hills on the paper, which was kind of fun.

i cannot wait for ash to get out of my belly and into my arms. i want to cuddle him and smooch his little face.

baby dreams...35 weeks.

last night i had a dream that i was cuddling with my baby....they i woke up and immediately burst into tears. i remember how soft and tiny and cuddly little babies are, and i've felt so deprived of having one to snuggle, since i rightfully should have at least one more by now...but ash is coming 28 days from today (although everyone keeps trying to tell me i'll go into labor sooner, i don't know why..james was huge and he was still late) thankfully, so i'll be sleep deprived and exhausted and probably hallucinating from hormones and fatigue, but just to get to hold him and feed him and hear him cry, proof he is, indeed, just fine...i will be so happy. i want faith and james to see and hold him so much. see, kids, this baby Does get to come home with us.

and now im crying again. nice.

love to all.

sick...34 weeks, 3 days.

i have what i'm hoping is just a bad cold, been doing the old hackcoughspit thing every few minutes. no sleep of course, but what else is new. thankfully the baby is still squirming around like it's all good.

today i've been having an odd, sweet-smelling discharge, kind of concerned my water broke, but i haven't had any...well, trickling, i guess. called l & d and talked to a midwife, who told me that i was "probably fine" as long as there wasn't fluid running down my leg, but if i was concerned i could come in to the office in the morning. gee, thanks. i kind of felt blown off, but whatever i guess, i'll make john drive me the whole hour to the doctor and demand they check me for leaking fluid in the morning, because otherwise i'll be in the ER tomorrow night, having worried myself into a heart attack.

for Elliot.

my little love, oh how i miss you. my entire being aches simply because you're not here. and here i am, full of life again, with this new baby. i'm a sobbing ball of emotion....love, terror, happiness, confusion, anticipation, disbelief. if fate had been kinder you'd be here too, awaiting the birth of your little brother with faith and james. i thought i'd feel better by now, but the closer he is to being here, the more i realize how permanent your loss is. you're really gone, you're really never coming back.

i'm really never going to hold you again, or hear you cry, or see your smile. it tears me apart, over and over again.

i love you sweetheart, and i know you're somewhere warm and beautiful, with the other two babies i didn't get to keep, with your great grandpa fugate.

i have to go now, baby, before daddy come out and sees me crying at the computer again. he worries so much, and i know he misses you too.

c-section scheduled.

my little guy is scheduled to come out on August 18th at noon, one week before his due date. :) makes me feel a bit better to have a date set. of course he's measuring almost 5 weeks ahead, so maybe he'll come a bit earlier, but i'm thinking he'll just be a 9 pounder like his big brother.

i feel so huge and so sore, and i haven't been sleeping, mostly due to discomfort but also because of the paranoia that makes me stay awake until the baby moves every time i go to the bathroom at night....which is pretty damn often.

at this point i'm cautiously excited. i made myself go through all my baby stuff the other night. some of it i bought for elliot, and i had to stop and have a good cry about that....here's the bassinet he never got to sleep in, the dinosaur sleeper he never wore. but i managed to set up the bassinet in my room, unwrap, wah, and fold all the little clothes. i actually bought a diaper bag too, which i was avoiding for some reason, some superstitious thing i wasn't even fully aware of. but it's a big black and red eddie bauer messenger bag with room enough for the entire family's stuff, and i already put some stuff in it.

so off i go to sleep (ha)...

night all.

c-section.

tomorrow, i get to schedule my c-section :). i'm so excited....makes me feel like i might walk out of this whole thing with a healthy baby after all. going to schedule my tubal ligation for the same time, as long as they already have all my insides pulled out of my body and all. i DEFINITELY couldn't go through pregnancy again, not with all the terror i feel every day with this one, not with the losses we've suffered...i really don't know if i could deal if it happened again. i wanted four kids...but why tempt fate? my mom seems kinda weird about it...keeps asking me if i've changed my mind about getting them tied. of course not...and right now i'm actually thinking rrationally (or as rationally as possible), whereas when ash is a year old and i desperately miss the new baby smell, i won't be.

healthybabyhealthybabyhealthybaby....please god.

so tired.

it really sucks, trying to nest, NEEDING to nest, and being too damn tired to do anything. plus the kids' rooms still need to be switched around and repainted, so i can't even set up the crib, and it won't do any good to wash and sort and fold Ash's clothes, because i really have nowhere to put them until everything else is done. i'd LOVE to paint everything myself, but my husband has pretty much forbidden it. damn it. not like i can haul furiture around either....

i know i still have a few weeks to go, but it's kinda killing me to not have everything ready and waiting. maybe it's a good thing--the less time everything sits around waiting for the baby, the less time big sister and brother have to tear everything apart :P.

so i can either turn my creative energy toward the dishes in the sink (ugh), or go to bed...hmmm. not that i sleep anymore, but still.